its-jillian-bitch: So on Sunday, I had the amazing opportunity to see one of my favorite people ever for the third time, Jillian Jensen. She is literally the most sweetest person I have EVER met! When my friend and I first got to the venue, I was really jittery and I was fangirling .. a lot. I had everything planned out on what I was going to say, but when Jillian finally came over, I couldn’t make out anything. I kind of stood there awkwardly and smiled and said a few things, she hugged me really tight and I showed her my tattoo. It was kind of dark to see my cuts on my wrist, I was planning on showing her them and I was going to tell her how much she saved me from myself. But like I said, I didn’t say much. When she left, I was kind of disappointed with myself. My friend and I went to sit down near the stage and just hang out until the show started. So when one of my other friend’s came over, I told her what happened and I asked her if she knew where Jillian was. I wasn’t going to leave until I told Jill what she’s done for me. So Jillian was walking in and out of the building, I got up and followed her and waited for her to come back inside. My friend and I were on the stairs, after a few minutes, Jill came back inside. As she was coming up the stairs, I asked Jill if I could talk to her. She said, “Yeah, what’s up?” and smiled at me. I tried to make out some words, but I was getting emotional. I told her, “I just want to thank you for everything,” I looked down at my wrist and showed it to her. Jill gave me a sad smile and held onto my wrist. She ran her fingers over them. Jillian said something, I forget what. I was still trying to process what was happening. She pulled me in for a long ass hug, and told me it gets better. It may get worse before then, but it does get better. Jillian called me gorgeous and ran her fingers through my hair, she also told me to do what my tattoo says, stay strong. I love her so much, I can’t even express what she’s done for me.
I want to grow up not because i hate my parents or want to get out of home but because i want the freedom to do tiny things like decided what furniture goes in my house and what colour the walls are and if i should go out at night rather than stay in doing work for once I want to decide what music to play in my own home while i’m cooking or cleaning and how loud it is. I want to experience the world without a barrier and to be able to express who i am through the little details.
Just realizing how much I actually hate myself. Wow. I really suck. No wonder my friends don’t like me.